Understanding dependencies
How can we form connections without losing our individuality? How can we set boundaries in certain situations while remaining open in others? ―Nedra Glover Tawwab
👥 Serves: 1 person, 2-10 people
🎚 Difficulty: Medium
⏳ Total time: 11-30 minutes
🥣 Ingredients: Pen and paper, “The Balancing Act” by Nedra Glover Tawwab (if you’re curious to discover more!)
🤓 Wholebeing Domains: Awareness, Discomfortability, Liberatory Learning, Radical Care
💪 Wholebeing Skills: Agency, Balance, Boundary setting, Compassion, Inquiry, Liberation, Reflection, Self-awareness
Understanding dependencies
📝 Description
Reflection questions to help you understand your dependencies.
As humans, we depend on others. However, sometimes we develop unhealthy dependencies that are dysfunctional and do not serve our wholebeing. In “The Balancing Act”, author Nedra Glover Tawwab answers the following two questions:
- How can we build healthy autonomy while remaining connected?
- How can you heal wounds from the past without overly relying on external dependencies?
The following recipe helps you understand different types of dependencies and invites you to a deeper reflection on your dependency stiles. If you wish to expand further, listen to Being Well’s podcast episode “Codependency and healthy dependency with Nedra Glover Tawwab”.
🌟 Steps
Step 1 – Understanding unhealthy dependencies (5’)
The spectrum of dependency flows from counter-dependent to co-dependent, with healthy dependency in the middle. Nedra Glover Tawwab identifies three types of unhealthy dependencies:
- Hyper-independence: When you rely solely on yourself and prioritise your individuality.
- Hyper-dependency: Too much reliance on others for your needs, leaving you without an internal compass.
- Co-dependency: When you care for someone else excessively without taking care of your own needs.
Importantly, dependency is fluid rather than a fixed state.
Step 2 – Debunking dependency myths (5’)
Before reflecting on your dependency style(s), it is necessary to debunk some myths about people with dependency issues.
- You did it to yourself, so it is your job to fix it. No, even when you contribute to a problem, you can ask help from others to clean up the mess. Do not assume that people will not help you.
- You don’t love yourself enough. No, offering yourself grace is the first truth of self-love. Nedra Glover Tawwab explains that self-love is: affirming yourself, being authentic, practising what you know, being intentional, owning and acting in your power, accepting yourself with grace and compassion, and believing that you are capable.
- If you understand your history, you will not repeat it. No, poor choices in one relationship often spill into behaviours in other relationships. You repeat what you believe, not what works.
Nedra Glover Tawwab invites you to practise wise compassion (as opposed to idiot compassion that involves offering support without a thorough understanding of the situation). Wise compassion involves considering the entire context of a situation and offering support that makes sense.
Step 3 – Reflect (10’)
Take your journal (or a sheet of paper) and a pen and reflect on the following questions:
- Unhealthy dependency: Are there any of your relationships that could be considered hyper-independent, hyper-dependent, or co-dependent?
- Hyper-independent: What barriers do you perceive as reasons for not having a closer relationship with someone?
- Hyper-dependent: What type of relationships are missing in your life, and how can you go about pursuing the relationships you need?
- Co-dependent: What are some behaviours you need to reclaim after being in a co-dependent relationship?
- Healthy dependency: What factors contribute to your sense of security in your relationships with others?
Step 4 – Share (10’)
If doing this activity with a peer, take a few minutes to share your reflections on the questions outlined in step 3.